Taking a Roman Holiday
Published Thursday November 12th, 2009
The TV show where the under aged meet the over respected. How can anyone think Polanski should be let off?
HOST: Its Blind Date: Roman Holiday edition! The show where we take Roman Polanski and a 13-year-old girl who he's never met - and see if they click! I'm your host, Skip Sparkle! Lets meet our first contestant.
(SCREEN TITLES SAY MARY McDONALD, 13)
HOST: Say hello to Mary McDonald. She's 13 years old, she loves James Blunt, and she likes to spend time at the petting zoo! She hopes to meet a guy with his learner's permit and who will sneak her into R-rated movies. Naughty girl. Here to watch the date with us is her best friend, Collette! How do you think Mary will do, Collette?
COLLETTE: I can't believe she likes boys. I don't like boys.
HOST: Ooh. On blind date we're always up for a little girl-on-girl action! You can let those fantasies run wild through your mind, Collette, as we watch Mary go through her date on the video screen! She's waiting at a refreshment stand. Mary has decided on the tight jeans and tight T-shirt: the triple S combo: simple sophisticated, and just a little sensual. How about it, Collette?
COLLETTE: Those were the clothes her mom left out for her for school this morning.
HOST: Ooh, some intergenerational training! Growl. High-five!
COLLETTE: Keep away from me, jerk.
(SCREEN TITLES SAY, ROMAN POLANSKI, 76)
HOST: Lets meet our male contestant! He's into films, travelling in Europe, and avoiding arrest. He's 76! Its Roman Polanski!
COLLETTE: It's a grown-up?!
HOST: No, he's older than that. Let's watch!
ROMAN: Hi, I'm Roman.
MARY: Hi, I'm Mary.
HOST: Oh, she's asking for it. I hope Roman brought his Trojan!
COLLETTE: Is he the dad?
HOST: In a manner of speaking.
MARY: What do you want to do?
ROMAN: I was thinking hot tub.
HOST: Did he say hot rub? High five! Ow! No need to slap me.
ROMAN: You're very pretty, Mary.
MARY: You're, like, a thousand.
HOST: Oh, the Roman warship has been sunk. That's our slaaaam of the week!
(Titles fill the screen that say SLAAAAM OF THE WEEK!!!)
ROMAN: I'm sorry we fought Mary. Would you like some chocolate milk?
MARY: Okay.
ROMAN: It's special chocolate milk, with candies in it.
HOST: Whoa! Roman is making his move. Remember: you can't spell Quaaludes without lude! Looks like his hands will be a-roamin! High five!
COLLETTE: Yes, I'd like to report an assault in progress.
HOST: Hey! Give me that phone! It's not assault! She's clearly promiscuous! And she looks at least 15, at least. It's okay. He's a movie director!
COLLETTE: He just gave her pills!
HOST: Those were muscle relaxants. It's not like he drugged her. And that was five minutes ago. It's in the past! There's a statute of limitations on these things! Oh, look. Roman's date has taken an unexpected turn, as Mary appears to be beating Roman with a baseball bat!
ROMAN: Ow! That's assault!
MARY: I'm 13. I don't know any better!
HOST: Well, the date is over. Let's see what both contestants have to say.
ROMAN: What we have here is Rosemary's Baby. Shes a little feistier than I like, and to avoid her I'd spend the rest of my life in a foreign country.
MARY: Roman's an old man who hurt me and should go to jail. I think anybody can see that. He is going to jail, right?
HOST: Join us next week when Roman visits a Girl Guide's meeting!
MARY: Next week?
(Cut to black)
HOST: All children used in the filming of Blind Date: Roman Polanski edition were totally asking for it and looked way older than 13. Roman Polanski wrote Chinatown, for gosh sakes, and committed his assaults on tape delay. Roman Polanski's clothing by Armani. Moral relativism by Hollywood.
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John Mazerolle attends the Comedy: Writing and Performance program at Humber College in Toronto. E-mail: johnmazerolle@hotmail.com
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