Culture schlock

It has been a big pop culture month, and when this happens I prefer to encapsulate it in verse, so here are a few lines in tribute to Barenaked Lady Steven Page, arrested for cocaine in the U.S. (say it ain't so); gay celebrities Rosie O'Donnell and Elton John who are both on the books for New Brunswick in 2008; Budweiser's takeover by Belgian beer giant InBev; and Jamie Lynn Spears, Britney's young sister - who seems to be proceeding along a familiar path.

Barenaked excerpt

For a band whose name once shocked the Tories

And caused Grandma to double take

They've never evoked much controversy

And any toughness sure seemed fake

But now the shoe's on another foot

Or the nose, I guess, is the part in question

Stephen's reputation is in dispute

It's likely causing him indigestion

Indiscretions like this are surely not funny

With pop stars and actors, it's part of the shtick

Nice Canadian boys get corrupted by money

A sip and a smoke, then a sniff and a lick

But I just can't picture this Lady in chains

Barenaked except for a prison collar

It's a brand new twist to what that old song means

Just what did he do with a million dollars?

Limericks for Rosie and Elton

There once was a town called Saint John

Rainbows rarely have landed upon

But O'Donnell cruised in

With her wife and her kin

And a hoard of supporters cheered on

Could this be the same port that spawned Wayne?

If something has changed, please explain

Was it not just last week

You'd be smacked in the cheek

For suggesting that we're all the same?

I know this sexegenarian

Who plays the piano with flare, and then

He's married to Dave

But Daniel's my fave

And this Rocket Man seems to have hair again!

There now is a town called Saint John

Soon to be host to two fine icons

As Rosie and Elton

Help remove our skeletons

I think that it's time to move on

Bud bought by Belgians

It's shocking, cap popping, international news

If you think that a drink is worth talking about

But there's more than a score interested in brews

And so tribes of scribes have Bud headlines that SHOUT:

'Bud bought by Belgians' Believe it, it's true

'Bud bought by Belgians' Stella's better than you

Bud commercials, the sure sells, will function in Flemish

Clydesdale horses of course will eat French frites for food

John Madden snorts "Sports history, they will blemish

As soccer, you suckers, becomes football for good."

Bud bought by Belgians! Believe it, it's true

Bud bought by Belgians! They drink beer, unlike you

Bud Bikinis, believe me, are far too discrete

Sunny Jim, there they swim in the buff, don't you know?

And "Lite beer" (it's shite, dear) will be obsolete

Just watch, batch by batch, alcohol levels grow

Bud bought by Belgians! Believe it, it's true

Bud bought by Belgians! And soon they'll buy you

Jamie Lynn's got a baby

Jamie Lynn's just like her sister; she's thicker than a short plank

She found a young apprentice when she should have used the sperm bank

He'll be outty, mark my words, once he knows what daddy's life's like

He's barely learned to drive now he's at Wal-Mart buying trike

Jamie Lynn's got a baby,

She's so frakking happy

Jamie Lynn's got a baby,

Say goodbye to pappy

Jamie Lynn's got a career but can she balance it with diaper dirt?

Does Zoey's boarding school give up bonus marks for best birth?

From where I'm looking she is just a child that's been defiled,

Not the first time her family's had a girl that's gone too wild

Jamie Lynn's got a baby

It's in her family tree

Jamie Lynn's got a baby

She'll soon be like Britney!

Craig Pinhey is open to criticism, and worthy of it. Visit www.frogspad.ca.