Something wicked this way comes; the mouse that roared; the doctor is out.

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Something wicked this way comes

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News media last week reported a foul odour permeating Parliament Hill, but were at a loss to explain the source of the stench.

"At first, we just thought the Prime Minister's Office had hired another staffer," said National Press Gallery spokesman Wycliff Toadberries. "When that turned out not to be the case, many of our more intrepid reporters decided to get to the bottom of the matter."

Initial investigations suggested a variety of plausible causes. "We thought we had it nailed when a colleague of ours discovered a cache of thawed hamburgers from last summer's Tory 'friendship' tour of the Maritimes," said the Globe and Mail's Phil Currypowder. "Then we had a lead on a shipment of high-sulphur crude oil temporarily parked outside Stephen Harper's office. Finally, there was a rumour about Finance Minister Jim Flaherty's old shoes piling up in the Parliamentary coat closet. Unfortunately, none of this panned out."

In fact, a janitor happened upon the likely cause. "I was just doing my job," said Superintendent Fred Bellowbarrow. "I flushed a toilet, and suddenly the whole sewer system exploded. It seems the plumbing on Parliament Hill has been clogged for years."

The mouse that roared

According to news reports last week, Jack Layton wants to know why the Tory government is paying for services it has a constitutional and legal right to procure. "I'm not saying there's anything wrong, mind you, but. . .well, I'm getting a little bored," the NDP Leader said.

The object of Layton's scrutiny is a series of transactions Conservative candidates paid to pollsters and researchers in the last election. "There seems to have been some sort of pattern which is why we're asking questions," he said. "It looks more like an out-and-in rather than an in-and-out. We're not exactly sure what it was. . .[but] it seems to have happened at an odd time so we think there certainly are some questions that have to be answered about it."

On the other hand, Elections Canada thinks the transfers are proper (or, at least, not improper). Moreover, other opposition party members suggest that the amounts reimbursed are entirely consistent with sums candidates in tight races would spend on public opinion surveys and related research.

"Yeah, well, I don't care what anybody says," Layton insisted. "Those Tory blue bloods really get under my skin. This may all be legal, ethical and entirely proper, but that doesn't make it right." In related news, NDP national headquarters confirmed that it has begun a series of exhaustive investigations into the Prime Minister's reading habits, golf handicap, and breakfast cereal preference.

The doctor is out

New Brunswick Health Minister Mike Murphy all but blamed his boss, Premier Shawn Graham, last week for delays in the launch of a new doctor training program in the province.

"The premier has indicated that it has to go down through the private sector," Murphy said. "I'm not here to second guess the premier's decisions with regard to that. I'm skating away from that question."

In an unguarded moment, however, Murphy had much more to say about Graham's putative failures in office. "Is that tape machine turned off? Good. Listen, between you and me, the premier is a terrible dancer. You should see him at one of our weekly hip hop nights. I mean, he's so white, he could be fabric softener. Hah. . .hah. . .hah. And that suit of his. I mean, what's up with that? It's like first day at bible college."

Asked to elaborate for the record, Murphy confined his comments to the stalled medical school plans. "We don't have to always go down the same route. . .waiting for enough money to come through (the budget) to start something. But I don't want to throw out suggestions on that, because it's not really my domain, although it's pretty close. . .Actually, you know what? I think I'm just going to shut up now."

Alec Bruce is a Moncton-based writer. He may be reached via www.thebrucereport.com. *A humorous and frequently fictional rendering of the week's news.