How the flu has made the whole country stupid.

A16

John Mazerolle

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Never has a pandemic swept through Canada with such ferocity, leaving people from all walks of life affected regardless of age, gender, or creed. Of course, I am referring to the stupidity epidemic.

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ALFREDO ESTRELLA/AFP/Getty Images

A couple wearing masks kisses at the Historic Center in Mexico City on April 25, 2009. An outbreak of deadly swine flu in Mexico and the United States has raised the specter of a new virus against which much of humanity would have little or no immunity. The outbreak of the new multi-strain swine flu virus transmitted from human to human that has killed up to 60 people in Mexico is a "serious situation" with a "pandemic potential", the head of the World Health Organization stated.

You thought I was referring to swine flu, didn't you? I am, sort of. Swine flu is even worse than first imagined: Because it causes all kinds of nasty things in the people who catch it, yes, but also because it causes heavy irrationalism and idiocy in people who just hear about it. Now that's a powerful virus.

Seldom have so many been so stupid (maybe at a Nickelback concert, but that's it.) Here are seven deadly stupidities that give me a temperature.

7) We're all going to die! For the first time ever, part of the blame for a problem must fall with the journalists. When swine flu first hit the scene, news outlets made it sound like it was so contagious and deadly it would be like that episode of the Simpsons where Homer sneezes and kills all the dinosaurs. It wasn't until a month or so later, when they said, "Oh by the way. Pandemic is a geographic term and has nothing to do with severity of illness. Also, sharks hardly ever attack anybody, even during Shark Week."

6) When pigs attack! When the virus first started making the news, there was a lot of fear surrounding eating pork because the flu had come from pigs and Porky slobbers a lot when he talks (Daffy caused similar fears during the avian flu). How a dead animal would keep flu inside it after months of packing and processing is something I don't need to think about. The bigger question for me was: Wait, NOW people are concerned about the health of pork products?

5) Oy vey! The cherry on that sundae was when an Israeli minister said the name 'swine flu' was insulting to Orthodox Jews and Muslims and to be more culturally sensitive it should be renamed - I'm not making this up - Mexican flu. And we wonder why the Middle East cannot find peace.

4) Let's have a party! Some parents reportedly got the bright idea of considering swine flu parties for their children, since the disease seemed milder than they had feared and some people used to have chicken pox parties. It's the same thing, right? Sure. To be clear though, Health Canada only recommends this approach if you hate your children. In that case, similar treatments are in order for fevers, Ebola, and broken legs.

3) The vaccine will kill you! Perhaps because the severity of swine flu was overstated in the first place, there are way too many people who go all Dr. Strangelove because the government is offering a vaccine. Most of these people would eat a Happy Meal with no complaint except maybe that McDonald's should refill the fries too, not just the pop. Here's a tip: the government might not like you, but it likes you healthy, so it can manipulate you and tax you and whatnot. Spending money on your Medicare is just about the worst secret plan ever, if that's what's going on.

2) Guilaumme-Barre the door! Yes, yes, we've all seen the video of the poor girl who can only walk backwards because of a flu shot. But there are no videos of the thousands of Canadians who die every year from the flu; that particular health dilemma is so common that it's not worth mentioning, unlike the backwards disease, which you can set to mash-ups or write song parodies about. By the way, why the hell are you getting your health advice from YouTube?

1) Everyone come get the vaccine! Wait! Not everyone! So Canada jumped up and down about some of the same complaints I raised above and said: "Ignore the hype! Get your flu shot!" and when people ignored the hype and came to get their flu shot Health Canada stood there, gobsmacked, thinking, "Hey, they actually listened to us. How about that?"

It was like they made their pitch to the hot girl at the gym and when she actually said yes Health Canada thought, "Wow, wish I had a car."

So, in short, get your flu shot, but don't panic about it, and remember the government is not out to get you. They just do it by accident sometimes.

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John Mazerolle attends the Comedy: Writing and Performance program at Humber College in Toronto. E-mail: johnmazerolle@hotmail.com