The Beaver Examiner
Published Thursday October 29th, 2009
Canadian and international news, proudly independent from facts.
Swine flu vaccine too dangerous, says man eating Big Mac combo
FREDERICTON - Richard Banks, a 36-year-old man eating a Big Mac, extra large fries, and extra large Mountain Dew, says that after reading various newspaper reports he is convinced that the H1N1 virus has been blown out of proportion and that the vaccine is too dangerous.
"I'm not sure what an adjuvant is, but I'm sure I don't want it in my body," said Banks, as he consumed 90 per cent of his daily recommended caloric intake and 100 per cent of his recommended sodium intake. "And I hear there's mercury in the shot - who wants mercury in their body?"
Banks then ingested almost 1 liter of corn syrup before wondering out loud if he should "give a couple of apple pies a go."
Mom and Pop methodone clinic worried about new Meth-Mart
VANCOUVER - A small meth clinic in a Downtown East Side neighbourhood here is bracing for the worst with news that a new Meth Mart will be opening soon.
"We've been here for 10 years, building a customer base one racemic oral dose at a time," said owner Bill Lamerck, who moved to Vancouver with his wife Linda 12 years ago to start the clinic. "With this new Meth Mart, we worry that we can't compete, size wise."
Meth Mart claims to offer "rock bottom deals for rock bottom people" with treatment of all North America's leading opiates.
Lamerck says there little he can do about the giant clinic, which covers a whole city block, but says he believes people will recognize that his store offers heart and family.
"Just because they have a greeter at the door doesn't mean they love you the way we do," he said.
A Meth-Mart spokesperson said that they believe in the open market and welcome any and all competitors, which they will eventually crush like bugs.
Obama: Iraq bomb blasts show Iraqis can do things for themselves
WASHINGTON, D.C. - U.S. President Barack Obama says a pair of weekend bombings that killed 160 people in Baghdad are the latest signs that Iraqis can now fend for themselves.
"Americans have been working for years now to ensure that the Iraqi people will be ready when we bring our soldiers home," he said. "I think these attacks, which showed excellent planning, strong resolve, and an effective result, should give us all confidence that the Iraqi people can be left alone."
Obama also lauded Iraq for its complete legislative incompetence.
"It took us hundreds of years to get to that level," he said.
Email: johnmazerolle@hotmail.com
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