Death Race 2000s
Published Thursday October 29th, 2009
Canadian events that ought to show this was the decade of the zeros.
2000
* The burial of a World War I casualty at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Ottawa is ruined when somebody in the crowd says, "Hey, isn't that old Jimmy's Taylor's corpse?"
* Pat Duncan becomes premier of Yukon, replacing Piers McDonald. Nobody notices until 2007.
* Pierre Trudeau goes to the Great Fuddle-Duddle in the Sky. When the Queen visits his grave, he rolls over in it.
2001
* The Bank of Canada unveils a new $10 bill with enhanced security features. Critics say the huge lock on the bill is unwieldy, but proponents say it's no worse than a toonie.
* Canada becomes the first country in the world to legalize medical marijuana. Jean Chretien's speech to the United Nations consists mostly of giggling and saying, "Dave ne pas ici" over and over. Libyan leader Muammar Gadaffi says the non-sensical speech speaks directly to him.
* When faced with an attack on New York City, Canadians decide, "New York City is under attack!" is too direct and start all conversations with, "Do you have your TV on?"
2002
* Four Canadian soldiers are killed in Afghanistan as the result of American friendly fire. Canada responds with nation-wide shock, having never before heard of war, casualties, or Americans.
* Ernie Eves replaces Mike Harris as leader of Ontario. Eves says he will be influenced by his predecessor, but that he plans to be his own man and lead the province with his own special brand of batshit crazy.
* Canada signs the Kyoto Accord, ushering in a bold new era where countries throughout the world put aside their differences and work together to ignore the Kyoto Accord.
2003
* Experts warn that West Nile, Mad Cow Disease and SARS could come together to cause an unforeseen glut of benefit concerts that would crowd large Canadian cities with unhygienic concert-goers and self-righteous band members. The prediction proves partly true, with hundreds of thousands of Torontonians forced to witness the inhumanity of Justin Timberlake performing with the Rolling Stones.
* Paul Martin is sworn in as prime minister and decides, after months of very, very difficult soul searching, to take the job.
2004
* Auditor-General Sheila Fraser releases the details of the so-called sponsorship scandal. Paul Martin says he's upset by the revelations, but that he can't be held personally responsible because until this report was released he had never heard of the Canadian government, finances, or Paul Martin.
* Vancouver Canuck Todd Bertuzzi chases Colorado Avalanche Steve Moore, lifts him high in the air, spins him three times and breaks him in two over his knee before feasting on his still-beating heart. The NHL Player's Association defends his actions as "just part of the game."
* Canadians name the top ten greatest Canadians ever in an open poll, in a list that includes hockey commentator Don Cherry - a selection that counters the unity-building of John A. Macdonald, the tolerance of Pierre Trudeau, the peacekeeping of Lester B. Pearson, and the hockey success of Wayne Gretzky. Proponents says Cherry is still a good choice because "we felt his ego needed a boost."
2005
* Steve Nash is named most valuable player in the NBA, a move that critics worry perpetuates stereotypes about white basketball-playing Canadians.
* Peter C. Newman releases a tell-all book that reveals Brian Mulroney was an asshole in private, too.
2006
* A group of young Torontonians attempts to form a terrorist cell. Upon arrest, it becomes clear the group is naive and inexperienced, with plans to kill Prime Minister Stephen Harper, even though no one would have been able to tell the difference.
* Stephane Dion is chosen as Liberal leader. It's true. Look it up.
2007
* A traveller videotapes four RCMP officers as they taser to death a Polish man at the Vancouver Airport. The RCMP responds quickly to the tragedy, lobbying immediately for a total ban on video cameras.
* Conrad Black is found guilty of being a jerk that everyone takes delight in seeing in jail. Paris Hilton is found guilty of the same charge.
2008
* Stephen Harper wins a third consecutive minority government and says the mild victories are a clear result of his party's mild effectiveness.
* Michael Ignatieff is chosen as Liberal leader. It's true. Look it up. Ignatieff improves on Dion by squinting rather than resorting to dorky glasses.
2009
* A columnist writes a humour column describing the previous decade. Will it change the way we think about the 2000s?
Only time will tell. (No.)
John Mazerolle attends the Comedy: Writing and Performance program at Humber College in Toronto. E-mail: johnmazerolle@hotmail.com
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