The Beaver Examiner
Published Thursday October 22nd, 2009
Canadian and international news, proudly independent from facts.
Wildrose Alliance to fill gaping right-wing void in Alberta
CALGARY "" Political analysts say the emergence of the new Wildrose Alliance party in Alberta should finally fill the gaping right-wing hole in the political spectrum that has plagued the so-called "Wild Rose province" for years.
Alberta, which has long been ruled by left-wing ideologues, will finally have a voice that can speak up for Conservative values, said Brent Dunne, a political scientist at Mount Royal University.
"Party leader Danielle Smith has promised that the party will be a right-wing alternative, and that, frankly, is exactly what Alberta needs," he said. "If there's one thing Ralph Klein and Ed Stelmach have been known for, it's their neverending defense of medicare, the environment, the homeless, and heavy spending."
Possible ways Alberta could shift further rightward include less money thrown at the homeless, heavier books thrown at pages, and the summary execution of Greenpeace members.
Conservatives insist new "Harper Bucks!" within finance rules
OTTAWA "" Stephen Harper's Conservatives, already criticized for pushing the limits of federal finance guidelines, have announced that the latest printing of $100 bills will include the Conservative logo on one side and the prime minister playing piano on the other.
"These Harper Bucks are not a political statement, but are merely following the tradition that has seen prime ministers placed on currency for decades," said Conservative spokesperson Dimitri Soudas. "And the removal of the Queen from the bill merely highlights our growing independence from the British Crown."
Soudas said complaints the bills could act as political advertising are misguided.
"Frankly, these bills are only going to go to Conservative ridings anyway," he said.
Toronto Maple Leafs: "Let's complete a pass."
TORONTO "" The Toronto Maple Leafs, off to their worst start in team history, say to a man that they plan to take their losing streak one play at a time, with their first goal a completed pass.
"All it takes is one hit of the puck from a player's stick to another player's stick on the same team," said defenseman Ian White. "And then we're off and running." General Manager Brian Burke said there would be an inevitable snowball effect, with one pass leading to another pass leading to another.
"We'd still be losing 4-1 nightly, but at least we'd have the satisfaction of completing a pass at the NHL level," he said. "That's no small feat."
Burke said that his plan for the team has always been meant to take place over multiple years, and in 2010-2011 fans at the Air Canada Centre may even see what hockey enthusiasts call a "goal."
Leafs goaltender Vesa Toskala has been studying game tape, and has also noticed that some NHL goaltenders step in front of shots from the opposing players.
"It doesn't seem possible right now, but that's what dreams are all about, right?" he said.
Toronto gets World Pride Day, Scarborough gets World Prejudice Day
TORONTO "" Ontario will play host to two major world events in the summer of 2014, after Toronto won that year's World Pride event and bedroom community Scarborough won the World Prejudice event.
While World Pride will be a showcase for gay, bisexual and transgender issues through parades, festivals and other cultural activities, World Prejudice is a showcase for homophobic, racist, and uneducated issues through hate speech, riots, and other intellectually lazy activities.
Scarborough was a surprise winner after beating out frontrunner Topeka, Kansas, in the second round of voting Sunday. Organizers expect Pride Week to attract 750,000 tourists, and Prejudice Week to attract 750,000 counter-protestors.
Said Toronto mayor David Miller: "Hopefully the resulting casualties will eliminate Toronto's reputation as Toronto the Good."
To make amends, family sends "Balloon Boy" into sky
DENVER "" Apologizing for the hoax that had America believing a young boy was floating over Colorado in a makeshift helium balloon, Richard and Mayumi Heene attempted to make amends Wednesday by sending their son skyward to his death.
"We hope this will help undo some of the damage we've caused," said Mayumi, as she cut the tethering to another balloon and sent six-year-old Falcon skyward. "We misled a lot of people, so if Falcon's DNA puddle can get us back in the good graces of the American people and its television producers, then that's what must be done."
The Heenes had originally claimed the nationally televised incident was genuine, but authorities began to suspect it was a hoax when Richard Heene kept pushing a screenplay entitled The Adventures of Balloon Boy.
"He said he wrote it that afternoon," sheriff Jim Aldernen said. "But the header 'draft no. 4' made us suspicious."
Aldernen said that now that Falcon is likely dead, the country can move on to more important news, like CNN's take on Fox's take on Obama's take on Fox.
Americans unsure how to feel about
Pakistan attack on Iran
WASHINGTON - A recent survey by the Pew Research Center reveals that 94 per cent of Americans are unsure who to cheer for in the recent terrorism spat between Pakistan and Iran.
"Don't understand or don't know was by far the dominant answer among Americans, regardless of region or political stripe," said Pew researcher Noel Patten. "While most are pretty sure they'd like Iran to be punished somehow, they're not sure if it's a good thing that Pakistan is the terrorist culprit."
Patten said in-depth analysis reveals that people are confused about several levels of the conflict, including whether ordinary Iranians deserve to die, whether terrorism is ever good, and whether Pakistan is equally evil to Iran.
"Also many people had never heard of either country," Patten said.
Where The Wild Things Are movie stays true to book, lasts 45 seconds
LOS ANGELES "" The latest Hollywood blockbuster is stunning moviegoers and critics alike with its reverence toward the source material: Where the Wild Things Are runs 45 seconds.
"It's nice to see the author's vision maintained on the big screen," said LA Times critic Kenneth Turran. "From the first sentence to the tenth, this film has the density and lyrical quality of the book it sprang from."
Turran said highlights of the film, adapted from a 1963 children's book by Maurice Sendak, include the climax at the 39 second-mark.
"However, the middle section drags."
Director Spike Jonze says his next film will be based on Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.
"In sharp contrast to Wild Things, my next movie goes on forever."
- John Mazerolle attends the Comedy: Writing and Performance program at Humber College in Toronto. E-mail: johnmazerolle@hotmail.com
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