On the edge of our seat on draft day
Published Thursday July 2nd, 2009
The inside track on the NHL's next batch of stars.
For a hockey fan, nothing is more exciting than the NHL draft, except for the playoffs, the regular season, the pre-season, and when they show a girl in a tight shirt on the JumboTron.
It's an exciting time for the media, because we can base all of our draft-day stories on baseless speculation about the future lives of 17-year-olds and it's all perfectly legit. Pretty sweet. Here's a breakdown of this year's picks.
1) John Tavares (C), New York Islanders: Should catapult Islanders from phenomenally crappy team to moderately crappy team; enjoys Gatorade and Reebok as much as Sidney Crosby; by all accounts, great kisser.
2) Victor Hedman (D), Tampa Bay Lightning: As a Swede, most of his salary will be paid by the Swedish welfare state; enjoys cooking by throwing random anthropomorphic ingredients into bowl and singing in ridiculous Swedish language.
3) Matt Duchene (C), Colorado Avalanche: Mentally tough. Stood up well to waterboarding and bamboo shoots. Most of the other players were telling us everything by then.
4) Evander Kane (C), Atlanta Thrasher: Projects to be half-hearted underachiever, in keeping with team identity.
5) Brayden Schenn (C), Los Angeles Kings: He's a joker, smoker, midnight toker; scouts complain he don't want to hurt no one.
6) Oliver Ekmann-Larsson (D), Phoenix Coyotes: Does not yet believe he's been drafted, assumes phone calls from hockey team in desert is some sort of prank.
7) Nazem Kadri (C), Toronto Maple Leafs: Projects to be third-line centre "" if he gets any better than that, the Leafs will follow team policy and trade him.
8) Scott Glennie (C), Dallas Stars: Strong, skilled, and competitive; possible downside is that he's never played hockey; was really outstanding during the interview process.
9) Jared Cowen (D), Ottawa Senators: May have come into contact with peanuts or peanut products during the production process.
10) Magnus Paaajarvi Svensson (LW), Edmonton Oilers: Scouts impressed by his exceptionally long name; could be the next Jamie Langenbrunner.
11) Brian Kana (G), Nashville Predators: Good fundamental goaltending skills, but needs to work on conversation with goalposts; employs unique hybrid style, part butterfly, part crouching Tiger ninja stance; will be featured on Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator.
12) Nikita Ramanov (C), San Jose Sharks: Plays all areas of the ice "" simultaneously.
13) Zack Kassian (RW), Buffalo Sabres: Superstitious people consider him the 14th pick; can see the ice well, without glasses or anything.
14) Dimitry Kulikov (D), Florida Panthers: Honestly, who the hell cares?
15) Jim Balsillie (Businessman), Anaheim Ducks: Balsillie entered draft through back door; promises Mighty Ducks of Hamilton by Christmas; high-quality agitator.
16) Nick Leddy (D), Minnesota Wild: Known as a very mature player, often talking of his role in the invasion of Normandy and playing old Edith Piaff records on his dressing room Victrola.
17) Icechip (Transformer), St. Louis Blues: A member of the Autobots, his human form has skates, his car form is a Zamboni; has artificial scoring instincts; inconsistent at times in the minor leagues but Scouts promise he's more than meets the eye.
18) Louis LeBlanc (C), Montreal Canadiens: Once ordered a Canadiens sweater in the mail but got a Maple Leaf sweater instead and cried and cried.
19) Chris Kreider (C), New York Rangers: Ever since he was a little boy, Kreider dreamed of being drafted 19th overall by the New York Rangers in Montreal; kind of spooky.
20) Wayne Gretzky (D), New Jersey Devils: After years of hype about Lemieux, Lindros, and Crosby being the next Wayne Gretzky, this Wayne Gretzky is the real next Wayne Gretzky; not as good a player as The Great One, but he can act and coach.
21) John Moore (D), Columbus Blue Jackets: Scouts are concerned about his size, as he is 212 feet tall and often bangs his head on the above-ice scoreboard.
22) Jordan Schroeder (RW), Vancouver Canucks: Has an annoying habit of uptalking, like, "I play for Chicago? In the USHL? On defense?"; really, really annoying.
23) Tim Erixon, (D), Calgary Flames: His mother says he can do anything he sets his mind to.
24) Marcus Johansson (LW), Washington Capitals: As a young player, he has no clue how to play the game and has no respect for his fellow players, and we'll never watch him, because we don't know what it is they play nowadays, but it sure as hell isn't hockey.
25) Charles P. Ipswich (Gadabout), Boston Bruins: Strong offensive skills; some concern he is a figment of the writer's imagination, and when the writer ends this column Ipswich will simply disappear.
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John Mazerolle attends the Comedy: Writing and Performance program at Humber College in Toronto. Email: johnmazerolle@hotmail.com
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