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John Mazerolle

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Harper renames abduction bulletin system 'Ignatieff Alert'

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OTTAWA "" Saying the term 'Amber Alert' did not adequately convey the horror of when a person suddenly disappears, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced Tuesday that the Canadian abduction notification system would be renamed the 'Ignatieff Alert.'

"When a loved one is suddenly taken away there is often great doubt about whether they will ever return," Harper told assembled media. "They may be gone for 30 years, without a trace, taken to another country where their sense of place is snatched from them forever. The Ignatieff Alert will help prevent that."

Harper denied that the new name was an attack aimed at Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff.

"I wasn't aware he had been found, actually," the Prime Minister said. "This just goes to show the system works."

Obama signs on for sitcom

WASHINGTON, DC "" Amid concerns that U.S. President Barack Obama is becoming overexposed with constant press conferences, speeches, and television appearances, the White House announced this week that a new sitcom starring Obama would air on NBC this fall.

"The president feels that Barry's Building is the best way to reach middle America," said Robert Gibbs, White House Press Secretary. The half-hour sitcom will see Obama play "fix-it man" Barry Black, a building superintendent who goes from apartment to apartment solving people's problems and building friendships, with often hilarious results.

"It's humour with a social conscience," Gibbs said. "So while we'll laugh at Barry's arch enemy Wanda in room 83 and her many cats, we'll also learn about Barry's plan to veto any health care legislation that does not include a public option."

Gibbs also noted that it's nice to see a black comedy on a more high-profile station than the CW network.

Embalmer struggles to make MJ unlifelike

LOS ANGELES "" Alec Atkins, the embalmer working on Michael Jackson's body for his funeral, says he's frustrated because he can't make the former King of Pop look as deathly as he did in real life.

"I'm nervous because I know the world is counting on me," the 44-year-old said. "But there's something about the skin tone and the gaunt frame that just doesn't look right now."

Atkins said his work had been set back hours when one of his co-workers looked at the body and remarked that Jackson looked really good. "I had to start from square one." After the funeral, Jackson's skeleton will be sent to the estate of "Elephant Man" Joseph Merrick, whose descendants will showcase the skeleton as a testament to their own egos.

E-mail: johnmazerolle@hotmail.com