The top 10 stories of the year
Published Wednesday December 31st, 2008
The Beaver Examiner remembers a year worth forgetting.
10) Small New Brunswick backwater convinced it's "on the move"
SAINT JOHN "" In a story that has delighted pundits across the country, this pathetic little backwater has convinced itself that it's "on the move." Among the 'feats' boasted by Saint John include a skateboard park, several new buildings, and a population that may one day surpass Moncton's. "It's sooo cute," said Calgary-based economist Jillian Curk, struggling not to giggle. "It's like a toddler boasting that he can dress himself." Other major 'breakthroughs' expected soon include treating raw sewage and paving the streets properly. "Elton John went there, you know," Curk said, tears streaming down her face. "They're almost like a real city."
9) Canadian news mentioned on American fake news mentioned on Canadian news
TORONTO "" The Canadian media was abuzz with news that an American satirical news program had mentioned the Canadian news, Canadian media reported in December. Canucks received the Yankee attention they crave when The Daily Show with Jon Stewart carried jokes about the political crisis involving the four major political parties north of the border. "We're thrilled," said CTV news anchor Lloyd Robertson, who appeared next to an image containing Jon Stewart sitting next to an image containing Lloyd Robertson. "I think this shows that Canada is both a modern country and a post-modern country." Robertson vowed to watch upcoming episodes of The Daily Show to see if they would run the clip of him saying he vowed to watch upcoming episodes of The Daily Show.
8) Palin vindicated as Canada discovered right next to Alaska
ANCHORAGE "" After an election campaign that saw her ridiculed for lack of experience, Alaskan governor Sarah Palin received a measure of vindication when it was discovered that Canada is in fact right next to her home state. "Golly, I hope that people will stop with the finger pointin' and the middle finger flippin' now," said Palin. The failed vice-presidential candidate had said during a campaign interview that her foreign policy credentials were enhanced because Alaska shares a boundary with Canada and is very near Russia. Palin was mocked for her response, but cartographers hired by the Wall Street Journal have determined that she was right all along. In related news, Palin was telling the truth when she said that she reads "all" the newspapers. "I especially like the Johannesburg Mail and Guardian," she said.
7)Kidnapped journalist selfishly becomes part of the story
TORONTO "" Mellissa Fung, a journalist working for the CBC in Afghanistan, has been sharply criticized for becoming part of the story when she was abducted by bandits and held against her will. "This is part of the sea change that is going on in journalism," said Craig DeBonis, a journalism professor at Carleton University in Ottawa. "It's now common to see journalists grabbing headlines by getting themselves abducted, shot, or exploded." Afghanistan "" one of the most headline-grabbing countries in the world "" has been awash in flashy photos and even Internet videos, as the Taliban work with the journalists to get attention. "Getting embedded in a cave with your subjects means it's hard to remain objective," DeBonis said. "I hope the next time a journalist is abducted against his or her will, they have the good sense to say 'no.'"
6) Greyhound under fire for allowing people, things on buses
WINNIPEG "" In the wake of the brutal decapitation aboard a Greyhound coach, the well-known bus company has come under fire for allowing people and things on board. "It's amazing that in this day and age they would have let somebody into their buses without having them fill out a full psychological evaluation," said security analyst Mark Fay. "In fact, they shouldn't be letting people on the bus at all. At least not as long as there are things on board, many of them pointy." Fay pointed out that, even if the company frisked passengers before boarding, a crazy person could still bludgeon a person to death using the walls of the bus. "These things are death traps," Fay said. "Anybody could grab the wheel and cause these big metal boxes to crash." Greyhound announced that people will be still allowed to take the bus, but only in the storage compartment.
5) Beijing Olympics convinces Vancouver to raze Downtown East Side
VANCOUVER "" The 2010 Winter Olympics committee says it has been inspired by China's work at the Beijing Olympics and will destroy Vancouver's Downtown East Side. "We were really impressed with the efficiency of the 2008 summer games, so we've decided to build the Olympic stadium in East Hastings," said organizer Paul Simpson. Organizers announced that they intend to use junkie labour during construction, despite concerns about the quality of construction. "If it was good enough for the Montreal Olympics, it's good enough for us," Simpson said. Taking another page from Chinese organizers, Vancouver has announced it will expand free speech during the games, allowing people to express controversial views, such as being against marijuana.
4) Conservatives extend 'War on Environment' until 2011
OTTAWA "" Parliament has voted to extend Canada's mission against the environment until at least 2011. The extension passed by a 198-77 vote, thanks to Conservatives and Liberals who joined forces to support a compromise motion to compromise the environment. Prime Minister Stephen Harper said that, "Not only will we have done our bit by 2011, but by then the downward spiral the planet is on should be well underway, with no need for extra pushing from us." Harper promised that his party's tough stand against the environment would continue to reap rewards, including the elimination of snow by 2025. The Conservatives have not been swayed by critics who say this is the wrong war at the wrong time, and the party may in fact open up a second front. "I believe it's vital that we continue to be tough on the arts," Harper said.
3) Canadian democracy so efficient voter input no longer required
OTTAWA "" Canadian democracy took the next step in its evolution in 2008, becoming such a strong enforcer of the people's will that it no longer requires the people's input. Voters realized this and responded in October with a record low turnout in the federal election. Sensing the change to a no-voter system, Prime Minister Stephen Harper decided to forgo his minority and push on as if he had a majority. The opposition responded by attempting to take power on behalf of the people, before the Governor-General read the changing will of the fickle public and prorogued Parliament. Then the Liberals turned to the people and announced that Michael Ignatieff was the new leader, just like they would have wanted if there had been a vote on it. Green Party leader Elizabeth May also got in on the new wave of politics, hinting at a Senate seat if the coalition went ahead "" in other words, proportional non-representation. The public had no comment as of press time, because nobody asked them.
2) Bumper minefield crop in Afghanistan
KANDAHAR "" In a year where not much went right in Afghanistan, a ray of hope could be found in the bumper minefield crop that soldiers reported around the country. "The fields are full of them," said Col. Simon Trick. "And it's not just the big farms. Small mom-and-pop groups have taken to making their own bombs from scratch." Trick said there's no doubt that the foreign presence in Afghanistan has led to an increase in the number of explosives in the ground. "We're happy to do what we can," he said. "After a decade, we're just happy to have had any effect at all." The minefield crop in Afghanistan works in concert with the opium crop, which is also riding high. "Those are what you might call perennials," Trick said.
1) Harper, wearing pickle barrel, admits something may be wrong with the economy
OTTAWA "" Prime Minister Stephen Harper, previously hesitant to admit Canada was caught up in the world economic crisis, finally admitted problems in a televised address yesterday during which he wore nothing but a pickle barrel held on by a pair of suspenders. "It has come to my attention in recent days that the Canadian economy is struggling slightly," he said while constructing a bindle out of the Canadian flag behind the podium. "But the fact remains we are handling the crisis best of all the industrialized nations." Harper had as recently as last week been saying Canada would remain unscathed, but critics pointed out then that Harper's empty pockets were turned inside out and he had begun playing harmonica. Economists expect things to bottom out in 2009, when Harper will burn the Charter of Rights and Freedoms in an old oil can to keep warm. "The crisis is working on a number of levels," Harper said.
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