Forget health care, education, immersion. Just show us the money.

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Premier Shawn Graham must be feeling a little like that character in the Tony-award-winning Broadway musical, The Producers. No matter what he does, he can't win support for even his most benign projects. Finally, the exasperated player turns to the audience and bellows: "Who do you have to (expletive) to get a break in this town?"

In Graham's case, the town is New Brunswick, and the object of his ardor is the one remaining citizen who doesn't think that he has. . . well, expletive-upped his political legacy permanently lo these past few months.

First, there was the post-secondary education fiasco, which produced a report that recommended, among other things, the elimination of a few campuses of both the University of New Brunswick and the University of Moncton. The peasants revolted, and the provincial government relented. Apparently unconvinced, the peasants revolted again, and Graham issued another mea cupla accompanied by a shrug as if to say, "what the hell do you want from me?"

Then, there was the French second language debacle, which (again) produced a report that called for the elimination of early immersion programs in the English school system to be replaced by an "enriched" core curriculum emphasizing intensive French studies beginning in Grade 5. Naturally, the rabble roused. And not just them. Certain Liberal rank and file had a few arch words for their glorious leaders. "In Tantramar, we're very strongly in favour of French immersion," said the riding association's president Janet Fotheringham. "We certainly don't like to see it go. If there is a way out of (this decision), then we'd like to find it."

This followed on the heels of Bob Bernier, president of the Kings East Liberal Association, writing in his resignation letter: "I no longer want to be affiliated with a party which will go down in history as the party responsible for the demise of French immersion in the province."

Absolutely, crowed Conrad Pitre, president of the Nigadoo-Chaleur riding association: "We're certainly not satisfied with the decision that was made. We support total French immersion."

All of which led Handsome Guy Chuckles and his cavalcade of cavaliers to come to the oddly transformational conclusion that when one finds oneself in the frying pan one should immediately jump into the fire.

Hence, Health Minister Mike Murphy's distinctly underwhelming provincial plan, announced last week, generated howls of derision from the Opposition benches and assorted medical professionals across the province, the country, the world.

Indeed, who do you have to. . .well, you get the point.

The shame of it all is that there's a very simple fix for what ails the Graham government these days: Money.

Everyone loves words like "change", "self-sufficiency", "self-reliance", and "transformation". Until, of course, change, self-sufficiency, self-reliance and transformation means killing a few sacred cows and selling off the meat to pay the power bill. Does New Brunswick need an early immersion system that doesn't work for most students? Does the province require the number of university campuses it currently sustains? Does an overburdened and tangled health care system warrant prudent streamlining? Who cares? Mr. Graham, you're asking the wrong questions.

What everyone really wants are bucks, dinero, marks, francs, Euros, greenbacks, sheckels, filthy lucre. And lots of them. New Brunswick is populated by 750,000 (give or take) independent profit and loss centres, each with their own interests and private preoccupations.

If you can't help them all, then help each one by giving every single man, woman and child in New Brunswick an equal share of the entire provincial budget, roughly $10,000 apiece, and call it a day.

When the roads crumble, the hospitals close, the schools barter livestock for qualified teachers, and universities become temporary barracks for loan-burdened students working in convenience stores to pay off their debts, just point to the New Brunswick playbill: "This performance is closed due to lack of funds, but at least the shareholders are paid in full."

Now, that's a solution worthy of a Broadway producer.

Alec Bruce is a Moncton-based journalist. He may be reached via www.thebrucereport.com