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No friggin' fair!

Premier Needle-Nose and federale Primal Ministre Steve 'Bobby h'Orr Haircut' Harper acting like bigshot this week handing out cash to all these guys living along the St. John River.

Just for sitting on their arse and watch the river flow into their basemint, the people in Moggerville and Gone-for-a-Piss (that's what they call it now after they amalgamated Gondola Point and Quispamsis) get to watch the money flow into their bank account also.

And they probably gone piss it all away on new rec-room carpet and such instead of a year supply of Moosehead, the stoopid buggers. But that is not Homard's point at all.

Each and everyone of these guys living along the river knows friggin' well the mighty St. John gonna flood every spring and that's why they can't get no flood insurance.

But that's OK they don't give a care, because this guaranteed recipe for environmint disaster also guaranteed recipe for financial success with governmint bail-out, and Homard mean bail-out literally even though he is only semi-literal just like in that national survey about us.

Anyways, Homard truly don't understand this, because if they just let 'er flood and leave the water there, those guys would make Needle's dreams come true with improved 'quality of life' and extra 'self-sufficiency' all at the same time because they don't even have to leave home to go fishing!

In fact all New Brunswickers got some improved quality of life out of this because the river also flooded the pervincial legislature so we didn't have to listen to Li'l Johnny Volpe peanut-bustering the govermint anymore about Mike Smurphy making a big fat mess out of total immersion health care. But besides that, Homard is jealous and could sure use free $80,000 from governmint.

Up here in Cap-Engorge-sur-Mer, you see, we are left high and dry by ol' Needle's predecessor, ex-Premier Bee-Bee Eyes who Homard heard wants to be the Swollen Member of Parliament for Monkeytown.

Dam good thing he don't run in the Cap because we are very disappoint with BB for rooning our good insurance rules.

All because of him, the rates got way too high to afford in places where they got a lot of strange coincidence, like the time when Homard got $100,000 fire insurance on his '86 Festiva and she went up in smoke the very next day.

But it sure was a good coincidence cause Homard needed that money to build a seawall beside his combination house, bait shoppe and funeral parlour to save it from the storm surge we get on the strait every year since the global swarming started up.

Turns out Homard was a sucker for abutment because natcherly, the storm-surge don't bother my house ever again so natcherly, easy to get flood insurance so no chance of governmint bail-out to pay for new fleet of ATV and maybe new gum-rubbers for the wife.

But maybe the governmint not so stupide as they look because they also say "residents will have to be patient waiting for inspections" before they can claim for the 'flood dommage,' which is franglais for 'what a pity you had a flood; here, have $80,000.' Which means it will probably take about as long to get an inspection from the govermint inspector as it will take to get an NB Power technician to hook up your electricity again, which probably mean about 'Auguary the eleventeenth' which really means 'about half-past never so good luck getting your money you dumb herring-choker.' But anyways, Homard figgers there's a "silverfish lining on every cloud" because in no time at all, for sure some genius us going to start up a houseboat building industry and that will make NB housing market recession-proof!

Homard Simson is the editor of 'Smelt Magazine' and also chokes his own herring for fun and profit.